The Shifting of Influence in Fatherhood
Ward Cleaver.
Sensible, wise, loving and connected. The show Leave It to Beaver gave us many laughs back in the day. The mishaps of the Beav showed us how he was able to survive the constant mistakes, misunderstandings, and pitfalls of being a young teenage boy. He was, however, surrounded by people that helped him navigate life. His older brother, Wally, tolerated him but never left him to fend for himself. Mom June was always there, always concerned and patient. It was a family that wasn’t perfect, but everyone knew their role and played it in a perfect concert of love and security.
Fast forward 30 years to 1987. We are introduced to a new kind of family on a new kind of day. This family was supposedly one that “better” represented the new American family and the dysfunctions we now live with. Here’s the IMDB description of the show, Married, With Children:
“Al Bundy is a misanthropic women’s shoe salesman with a miserable life. He hates his job, his wife is lazy, his son is dysfunctional (especially with women), and his daughter is dim-witted and promiscuous.”
This wildly successful show, which garnered many Golden Globe nominations and awards, ran for 11 seasons and became an industry-standard in a new portrayal of the American family.
The American Dad 2.0
But, what this show also did was present a new picture of the American dad. It began a trend in sitcoms, movies and commercials presenting dads who were clueless; dads who were lazy, incompetent and selfish. Visit any commercial from the past 40 years and you’ll see it portrayed again and again. We’ve settled into this new mindset and created the self-fulfilling prophecy that men and, specifically dads, are incapable of leading a family.
I’ve watched with frustration this continual barrage of images of the incompetent dad. But, in the midst of my own frustration, am I also falling into the trap unknowingly? As my girls are now grown and married, I find myself less and less engaged with them. They’ve grown into strong, young women, and I’m enjoying watching them navigate life: healthy marriages, self-imposed givers, responsible, and wise in their choices. But, I’m watching from the sidelines. I feel the influence I once had slip away. They don’t need me like they once did.
My Epic Fail as a Father
Now, don’t get me wrong. My daughters DO need me. I’m aware of that. But, what I’m struggling with is the WAY they need me.
I don’t feel like I’ve done a great job in transitioning from daddy figure to father figure. I think there’s a difference.
Little kids need their daddies. We are needed for bicycle training and the inevitable scraped knees and elbows. And bedtime stories; lots of bedtime stories. We are needed for instruction and discipline when they disobey. As they get older, they need a different kind of dad. This is the land that I find myself a stranger in.
Instead of making the transition into a different kind of dad, I find myself becoming more hands-off. I’m becoming the guy in the recliner, the Ted Bundy type, watching their world go by and being a mere observer. Let’s call it what it is: passivity. I’m not enjoying this new dad I’ve become. How did it come to this? How do I get out of it?
One of the things I’m discovering about growing older as a parent is my kids still need me, but the role I play is now walking beside them instead of in front of them. My influence hasn’t lifted; it has simply shifted. Let me explain.
My daughters no longer need me to TEACH them how to ride a bike. They need me to take time to ride bikes with them. My daughters no longer need me to READ them stories. They need me to listen to their own stories; stories of their handsome princes and their ever-afters. My daughters need less and less of my instruction and discipline and more and more of my advice and support. They need me to walk with them through the consequences of their actions.
Father vs. Daddy: There is a Difference
As a father who loves God, I want my influence to be great. I want to display for my girls a Christ-like model. God does both. He’s our “Abba Father” translated, “daddy” (Galatians 4:6) that scoops us up when we scrape our knees. He’s also our “Father”, instructing us how to clean our wounds and help those around us who are wounded. So, this means that I have to change my views of parenting. My girls aren’t little girls any longer. They will need me to be daddy from time to time. But, what they need from me now more than anything is a father who is engaged and attentive; walking beside them as they a make life and ministry for themselves.