Create a sense or Urgency in your relationships

We are neglectful humans, aren’t we?

As a man, I have to work hard at kicking passivity to the curb. Passivity plagues me. I can be a lazy bum sometimes. I can put things off for a VERY long time.

Women, on the other hand, tend to battle fear and insecurity. That fear and insecurity can cause them to be their own non-starters in various places in life. (Ladies, insert your own personal confession here.)

Even with good intentions and solid goals, the trick to making things happen in our lives is creating a sense of urgency. When we see the work we are doing as having a real purpose in our lives, we force ourselves to move.

When there is a deadline staring us in the face, we are much more motivated to get off our backsides and do the work we need to do.

We can set work goals all day long. To-Do Lists? We got that. When our job is on the line or there are people depending on us to get stuff done, it’s amazing how a paycheck and an empty todo checkbox can create a sense of urgency for us.

But, when it comes to relationships with others and ourselves, urgency seems to be a non-entity. Why is that? Why do we not look at the health of our relationships as laser-focused as other important parts of our lives? Here are some areas that tend to get neglected because of a lack of urgency.

MARRIAGE

As a premarital counselor, I get a chuckle out of watching men and women approach their wedding day. For the woman, the wedding symbolizes the beginning of a journey with her man. She “caught” him and now she’s settled into the task of shaping him into the man she wants. ”Sure he has issues and things that annoy me. I can work with that”, she says. I recognize that this is a generalization, but my experience shows this to be common.

For the man, the wedding is a moment of victory. This is a mission accomplished. Fist-bumps all around! He’s worked hard to convince this woman to become his wife. Now that she’s said “I do”, he’s won. And winning for a guy is EVERYTHING. But, sadly it also becomes the endgame.

Fast forward a few years. You can hear the screeching of the tires just before the crash. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with struggling couples where the wife says “He changed.” Invariably what she means is “I knew he had those issues, but I thought I could change him.” The husband just sits there, dumbfounded at how they got into this mess. He just wants to know what he has to do to “win” her back.

My point? I’m simply making an observation. When two people in marriage focus more on their needs and wants in that marriage, there’s less of a chance they’ll see the urgency of creating a marriage that brings real happiness and affects future generations. They both settle into a groove that lulls them to sleep. There’s no sense of urgency to do the hard work of making a lasting life together. They assume because they said “I do”, a successful marriage will just happen.

Successful marriages happen when two people see their marriage as more than just two people creating a life together. Marriage is about creating a legacy. It’s about seeing the time they have together as an opportunity to affect the future of their family.

PARENTING

Just like in a marriage, we can slip into a passive posture when it comes to raising kids. I can tell you story after story of moments when I should have stepped into the role of parent, and instead, I deferred to my wife. I used the excuse that we had daughters, so my wife could handle the situation much better than me. Bad idea. All around. Men are notorious for being passive when it comes to shaping their kids.

In a similar fashion, women can roll into parenting creating order and compliance. But, fear can often keep them from creating experiences with their kids that matter. Insecurity can creep in, causing them to second guess every decision they make. Years will go by and they will look back at all the memories they missed by trying to control the outcomes of their kids.

One of my favorite commercials in the past few years is a Hyundai Santa Fe commercial where dads are enjoying some less-than-smart moments with their kids. At the end of the scenes, you can hear the dads saying “Don’t tell mom.” We all chuckle at those scenarios, but the fact is many-a-mom have missed out on meaningful experiences with their kids because of fear.

A “Big Picture” approach to raising healthy kids is vital to their emotional health. I’ve often been challenged with this question when raising my kids. “What do you want your kids to look like by the time they graduate high school and head off to “OnTheirOwnVille”? This approach helps create the goals you need to raise healthy kids, and it gives you that sense of urgency as that release date draws closer.

SELF CARE

No area of our life is more pronounced when it comes to neglect through lack of urgency is the area of self-care. We can justify our lack of care for ourselves all day long.

Taking care of people never ends well when it involves neglecting our own selves.

I love helping people. I always have. But, I can push myself and make sacrifices to a fault. Within all that serving, I can easily get lost. I can neglect my spirit, my mind, and my body.

Until we see the urgency of helping ourselves, we will continue to run on fumes. We can find ourselves embittered toward people, deeply insecure or withdraw from relationships altogether; the opposite of what we set out to do.

Seeing the endgame of our lives creates that sense of urgency we need to get the right things done in life.

That’s why I’ve been challenged with the idea of living with urgency recently; to do my work and invest in relationships with a sense of urgency attached to them. I believe this view puts me back in the game, so to speak, and re-engages me with those things and people who need me.

I believe this life affects eternity. I believe that I have limited time on this earth to get things done, so I live with a sense of urgency in my faith. It’s a good tension because it motivates me to act. I’m discovering that this same motivation needs to be applied to other areas of my life as well.

As a budding entrepreneur, I see urgency being played out very clearly. If I lose my job and struggle to pay bills, that’s enough motivation to get my tail in gear. But, what if I have a job that pays the bills? My side hustle becomes a hobby of sorts. Hey, if things don’t work out, I still have my job to fall back on. I’m only out a small financial investment in the venture. There’s no sense of urgency, and therefore, no accountability to do the work.

Same with relationships. As long as I fall back on others to do the work or I don’t see the time I have on this earth as fleeting, I am destined to end this life with regret. Regret in an unhealthy or failed marriage. Regret in the moments I missed with my kids. Regret in the poor health and negative attitude I’ll live with later in life.

I challenge all of us to pursue life with a renewed sense of urgency. Set some goals. Goals are there to keep us focused. But also put some deadlines to those goals. It will give you a sense of urgency that, quite frankly, many of us need. I know I do!

I hope you’ll see engagement as a chance for a better life. May you tackle it with a renewed sense of urgency. Don’t quit. Look at your endgame. Work at it as if it’s all you have! Because it is!